Blog War: Cut-Offs

Reduce, reuse, recycle is all the rage right now. As an environmentalist, feminist, handicraft-er, and human being… I’m all for that. But let it be said that some items should not be reused. The first that comes to mind being toilet paper, tampons… you probably get the idea.

A non-reusuable that is less obvious but still poses as great a health/safety risk? Cut-offs. Yes. Cut-offs. Pants cut into shorts and most commonly with the frayed threads still hanging.

Cut-Offs as Health/Safety Risk Reason #1:

Say you get it into your head that cut-offs are a good idea. Say you decide to wear said cut-offs to work. Say your profession falls outside the category of landscaper or exotic dancer. Management might not be too thrilled with your fashion sense, especially if the big boss comes around. Being someone who was already clever enough to cut your pants into shorts, you think of a quick remedy. Why not just staple those frayed ends up? It seems like a good idea until shortly thereafter when you’re bleeding from the thighs. You silently pray your tetanus booster is up to date and curse your now bloody cut-offs.

Cut-Offs as Health/Safety Risk Reason #2:

Say you are an innocent young shoe salesperson (who happens to hate feet). Say a man purposefully makes his way to you. You can tell he’s on a mission and quickly take in his details sensing a full description will somehow be necessary. Thick glasses, long wavy sandy brown ponytail fastened at the nape of the neck, white muscle tank slightly stained, gold chain hanging to the base of the ribs, and… cut-offs. Breathing heavily, he quickly explains he’s shopping for his girlfriend and inquires as to “which shoes will make a clicking sound when you walk?” Assuming he finds that sound annoying you point out all the shoes that will not slap the bottom of the foot. Wrong. Apparently, the more clickety-clackety… the better. You’ve been on the verge of repulsion but finally dive in after a special request: “You are my girlfriend’s size. Will you walk around in these shoes so I can hear how they will click?” With a quick glance to the groin and a wave of nausea you know walking in those shoes is the last thing you’ll ever do. “Um… we don’t do that here!” Essentially you’ve just learned a lesson…cut-offs = perverts.

Cut-Offs as Health/Safety Risk Reason #3:

Say there’s a heat wave. Say half the male population sheds their shirts. The only appropriate bottoms to the absence of a top? Cut-offs. They zip up their cut-offs then head down the streets. Distracted driver upon driver are perplexed over a seemingly unreported shirt caper while simultaneously squinting to read denim labels. Car wrecks are nobody’s friend (excluding auto body shops).

Clearly, the health and safety risks associated with cut-offs are far greater than the reward of feeling as though you temporarily saved spaced in a landfill. Environmentalists take note: In this instance, it is far better to toss it than to cut it.

Blog War: Milk Duds

Milk Duds are gross. Like I needed to tell you that.

It was in childhood when I first made the fatal mistake of ingesting a Milk Dud. I’m almost certain it was under the care of my aunt who regularly shoveled us full of Little Caesars Pizza, macaroni and cheese, and in one undocumented circumstance, grass from the backyard. (Was it any wonder vomiting almost always concluded our visits?) Plunking the chocolate coated caramel in my mouth I anticipated the sweet crunch of the all too similar in appearance yet not in taste Whopper. While my young mind was thinking, “Who the hell orchestrated that trick?” my young mouth uttered a succession of confused whimpers. I never made that mistake again.

Approximately 19 years later I find myself sitting next to a box of Milk Duds. Despite the encouraging claim on the box, “35% Less Fat Than the Average of the Leading Chocolate Candy Brands” I find that I am unable to even pull back the perforated flap. Is it possible for a candy to make you sick via proximity alone?

What about this candy is appealing to people? The name alone implies failure. This is America and Americans don’t like failure, right? Well actually… the original plan was for Milk Duds to be perfectly round (like the Whopper!) but that was impossible. The candy was dubbed a “dud”. But that didn’t stop Philo J. Holloway. So technically what we have here is a good ol’ American tale of slapping a clever name on a disappointing product and hauling in currency.

But let’s take it down to the ingredients. I’ll waive the sugar, corn syrup, dextrose, and remaining list of sweeteners. It is candy after all. My real problem concerns the basics: chocolate and caramel. Let’s take a hideous, goopy, sticky substance and cover it with chocolate so the unsuspecting child won’t know what she’s really dealing with here, Aunt Jeanie. Just like cement is the adhesive that holds together our civilization, caramel is the cement that holds together Candyland. And who the hell wants to eat cement? Chew a Milk Dud and your jaw is firmly locked for a good second or two. If you manage to swallow the glob, the residue still lingers. Hello tooth decay and a life riding the city bus. (Being a city bus rider myself, I can confidently claim that tooth loss and bus passes are a natural pair, but don’t ask me to explain it). Moving beyond the obvious perils, it’s just not all that creative, is it?

Let’s consider a few alternatives:
Raisinets… practically a health food!
The Butterfinger… if it’s good enough for Bart Simpson…
Fun Dips… hours of sticky sugar filled fun, and cheap too!

No, there’s no reason one should ever resort to Milk Duds. And don’t let this guy tell you otherwise. Ok, there may be one circumstance where Milk Duds come in handy, but I’m fairly certain the candies ended up in the bin.